Send in the Clowns

I think people are often a tad dramatic when it comes to expressing their fears. Like being SO terrified that you shart every time you see a spider … or running out the movie theater you paid to get in cause you just can’t handle the horror on the screen (da fuck?). While I don’t necessarily find them scary, I do agree that clowns can be creepy. Even a friendly looking clown can inspire unsettling vibes. Thanks to wackjobs like real-life serial killer clown John Gacy, the thought of something sinister hiding beneath the paint always lingers. Creepy factor intact, you’d think that clowns and horror movies would be a winning formula more often than not … unfortunately, it’s not. I’ve seen enough clown-centric horror movies to where I can no longer even muster much excitement for this sub-genre. I thought things were turning around when I stumbled across the Killjoy franchise, which I don’t think I’d ever heard of until recently. The first movie started off with promise. And despite some uninspiring kill...
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15 Of The World’s Scariest Haunted Houses

15 Of The World's Scariest Haunted HousesIf you love horror movies, then the idea of haunted houses probably sounds yummidelish. I feel the same way … more or less. There was a time when I’d look forward to these elaborately designed horror-themed adventures every Halloween season. Be it teaming up with friends, or bringing my little sister along, we headed into the coordinated depths of the unknown with the sole purpose of scaring the proverbial shit out of ourselves. Nowadays, I look at haunted houses like ‘meh’. Don’t get me wrong, the concept is still cool as fuck, but with me being so busy, plus long ass lines, being in the presence of humanoids … yeah, I’m even less of a people person north of 40 … paranoia from too much horror, too much weed, and too little faith in humanity … yeah, the thrill is gone. I am a bit bummed that I never got to experience one of those “so scary and complex we’ll give you a refund if you make...
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I don’t care if you watch pro wrestling or not … when you hear the word “undertaker”, there’s one man who comes to mind: Mark Lamont Calaway, better known to wrestling nerds as The Dead Man. While the man from the darkest parts of kayfabe’s Death Valley virtually owns the name, I’d contend that another fictional character not only beat him to the punch, but arguably did the role even better. I’m talking about Uncle Roscoe, played by Joe Spinell in the 1988 horror movie classic The Undertaker. Honestly, I’d never heard of this movie until recently. But I’m glad I did, because it was pretty damn solid and got me thinking about the potential of a movie based on WWE’s phenom. Hey, it could totally happen! One day. ...
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I wasn’t sure if this one even fit the theme. But fuck, if Charles Bronson’s Death Wish can be considered horror, then this crazy ass movie definitely makes the cut. When I would sneak Caligula out of Dad’s stash, I got the feeling that I was experiencing something more than porn. Set in Ancient Rome, the movie deals with a litany of dark themes that continue to haunt humanity to this day. Our obsession with status, oppression, power, and perversion, for instance. But since there was a lot of porno shit going down, I feverishly tried to break my wrist like any self-respecting teenager. Fast forward to a couple days ago, ‘mature r’ me throws on Caligula, and find myself terribly tempted to fast forward to the “good parts”. This was a me thing, promise. I just wasn’t in the mindset to give this cult classic the attention it deserves. Still, I was able to pick up on the timeless brutality in some of the torture scenes as well as the main character’s frightening evolution...
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Some movies are so bad they’re excellent. Freddy’s Dead, anyone? Apparently a select few movies suck ass, but can still leave a positive impression on the viewer. The latest example is a wacky horror flick called The Neon Dead … like a trippy mix of zombie flick and fantasy style video game. Any way, I did a video review on it. Like to watch it, here it go! (Source: https://www.youtube.com/)...
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Horror Review From Hell Funny how things work out. I see House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects both in my movie recommendations. Shortly thereafter, I learn that there’s yet another sequel, which may or may not be officially released at the time of this writing. So after rewinding the first two, I check it out: 3 From Hell.I won’t go as far as the humanoids who say this movie shouldn’t have been made. Cause who the fuck are you to say what should be made, when your punk ass is gonna watch it any way?! However, I was a tad underwhelmed by this movie. Mainly because there was no justice. These wack jobs go on a mass killing spree across three movies, escape from prison, skate to Mexico, kill one of the country’s most vicious gang cartels, and then just walk off into the sunset. If this is the wrap on the trilogy, I would’ve at least liked to see them go out with a bang. One final hoorah, but ultimately paying for...
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Demon Cop vs. PMS Cop When it comes to hard to kill homicidal policemen in the horror genre, two names tend to come to mind: Maniac Cop and Psycho Cop. Seems like the same idea, but each character truly puts his own fun and unique twist on the rogue officer narrative. Two supernatural one times that aren’t so fun are Demon Cop and PMS Cop. The titular characters sound interesting enough on paper, but when executed in a film, they don’t jump off the screen very well … well, at least not in these iterations.Demon Cop is probably the most promising … on paper. Eddie is an escaped mental patient as well a former cop who became a probation officer after being wounded in a drive-by shooting. Nigga is just destined to be an enforcer of the law. SMH. On the real, he wants to make a difference in the hood, and even mentors gang bangers in attempt to help them get their lives together. Yes, this movie is set in an “urban”...
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Where in the World is Dr. Satan?

In honor of the late great Sid Haig, I decided to revisit Rob Zombie’s debut horror movie franchise. I guess it had been a while because I didn’t even remember that The Devil’s Rejects was a direct follow-up to House of 1000 Corpses. And apparently the upcoming 3 From Hell caps off the trilogy, which I also didn’t know until just now. I’m such a boob sometimes. There’s a lot of wild shit going down across both movies, but one scene that stood out was the reveal of the mysterious Dr. Satan. Towards the end of the first flick, we find the devil doc, looking like something straight from hell 😁, performing a twisted surgery on one of the unlucky jabronis who came meddling in the sticks. Dude was straight up wicket, and considering that all the bad guys escaped, I was looking forward to seeing Dr. Satan make his triumphant return in the sequel … but he never did.Turns out, Rob Zombie decided against bringing back the good doctor. Apparently he thought...
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I often have this conversation in the horror community … well it’s usually just me mentioning it and no one responding to it. Any way, I just don’t think quote on quote “scary movies” are actually scary. Sure, as a kid, Freddy, Jason, and Mike scared the shit out of me. But once I entered my teenage years, these movies became campy, cheesy, comedic gold. I mean my little sisters and cousins watched this shit like Sesame St., so they were probably even less phased than I was. Crazy little fuckers. All that said, there’s still one thing that creeps mature adult me out to this day … DOOM. Developed by id software and released in 1993, DOOM took computer-based gaming to a whole new level of immersion. Strap up, turn out the lights, and prepare to send your heart-rate through the roof as you blast your way through demon-infested space stations, ridiculous arsenal in tow, in search of a truth that only gets grimmer the further you progress. This game was LOADS of...
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Horror, by nature, is pretty damn bonkers. I mean you got zombies, killer clowns from beyond the stars, and demons who just can’t be killed no matter how many pieces you chop their asses into. Still, there are some horror entries that go left considerably harder than others and the 1976 exploitation flick Island of Death is among them. This movie features a pair of lovers turned psychotic bible-thumping serial killers that make the iconic Mick and Mal look like Kermit and Ms. Piggy. It’s probably the craziest shit I’ve seen not named Chaos or Human Centipede. On top of that, it’s fuckin’ hilarious, which is always a good thing. If you haven’t seen it, and think you have the stomach for it, I highly recommend it. (Source: https://www.youtube.com/)...
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