There are only a few
things in life that genuinely make me happy. Among them are my trees.
My kratom. And my butts. Not necessarily my butts … butts in
general. Similar to how I can distinguish bonafide fire from bammer, I
can decipher a fabulous bum from one that’s no good, or one that is
merely serviceable. It’s one of few talents I was born with.


While I’m clearly a
specialist in this area, some people like to challenge my
expertise. I don’t know if it’s ironic or not, but it’s usually black
women who butt heads with me on this subject. Now I have a special
place in my heart for my sistas, but a select few of them seem to
have a skewed perception of what makes a nice ass. I guess there are
some dudes who fall in this group, too. They all think that if an ass
isn’t ridiculously huge … like Kim Kardashian or Nikki Minaj status, then it’s not worthy of
affection. They’ll even go as far as tagging them with the dreaded “flat” label.
Take these two pieces of heart-shaped perfection for example:


I’ve had spirited
debates with females who swore to me that these asses were flat and
not spectacular. Crazy, right?

We all like a little
something different attraction wise, but when it comes to booty,
there is no in between. It’s either doable or not.  It’s either a
nice ass or it’s not. So what makes a nice ass? There are a few key
ingredients. Let’s have a looksy:

Cheeks. This is the
most important element. In fact, you can be missing a few other
ingredients and still end up with a serviceable ass if the cheeks are
solid. The cheeks must have a cuff to them and reasonable hang time.
Without them, you’ve got nothin’ but a back with a crack.

Shape. Though shape
doesn’t break an ass, it can damn sure help make it. Shape gives a
woman a reason to be confident. Just to swivel her hips and swing her
rump as she sashays along the pavement. Shape is the ingredient that
helps you determine whether she’s stacked in the back, from the front.

Curves can be deceptively cruel. A woman’s shape can be the reason
the front-view has you thinking the booty is on point, but actually
be the source of your disappointment when you finally get a rearview
glance. You can’t always scope it from straight ahead, but there’s no
faking squeezability. In squeezability, you have an ass you can not
only grip, but hold and mould in your hands. At the end of the day,
this ingredient may be the saving grace when everything else is


So you see boys and
girls, it’s not always about the biggest butt. A big ass can be
sloppy and just plain unsightly. On the other hand, a smaller ass can
be shapely with championship cheekage and squeezability that brings a
tear to your eye. Put all three ingredients together, and you’ve
got a masterpiece worthy of worship.  

Not sure where you
stand on the grand scale of booty serviceability? Send me a pic or
two and I’ll give you some honest feedback. Just kidding. Kinda.

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