I’m a fairly old school dude. Unlike
people who shall remain nameless (ahem, Jimmy O'shea Chase), I at
least try to give these millennial trends a chance before summing ‘em
up as suck. Still, my track record with new shit isn’t very good.
This spans from movies to music … by God a lot of this newish music
just fuckin’ blows. With that in mind, I was very apprehensive about
giving Fear Town USA the old gander. I skipped over it several times
because it just sounded like one of those Kings of Horror flicks,
which are flat out terrible more often than not. And when I learned
it was a horror-comedy, I was even more iffy, because comedy is
highly subjective. But OHH boy was I trippin’ because as the kids
say, this movie is the tits!
Fear Town USA takes on the dubious
challenge of trying to wrap a multitude of core plots into one story.
We’ve got the four virgin nerds on a mission to finally score some
sex, in addition...
Rocktober Blood has the distinction of
being a movie that doesn’t waste time explaining why, how, or at
times, what the fuck is even happening. It’s like the director went in thinking “that’s my story and I’m
sticking to it, damnit!” Unfortunately, the narrative they’re so
intent on pushing fell terrifyingly flat. This movie has no gore, no
great kills, no interesting characters and an overplus of nude scenes
featuring the skinny ass final girl chick. I mean she was decent, but
not to be spotlighting like that.I’m kinda disappointed, honestly. I
recently saw a movie that appeared to have a similar plot (it was much
better!) And since it is October, 31 days of whateva and all, I
figure I’d give this one a try. I knew it was gonna suck. But I was
at least hoping some 80’s cheese could make it fun. Deliver a few
giggles. So bad it’s good kinda thing, you know? No haps. Fuckin’
terrible. On the bright side, since I am bursting with the power of positivity,...
Freddy’s Gay!?
I’m not shy in expressing my love for
Freddy Krueger. I love everything about him. The character. The
concept. The movies, in spite of their extra thick cheesiness, are
all great IMO. I even wrote a screenplay prequel of Freddy’s origins
with the aid of my homeboy Jimmy. The most epic story you never
heard. And of course Fred topped out my list in the Four Horsemen of
Death, our most popular day of horror, thank you. I’ve seen every
Freddy flick countless times, but it wasn’t until nearly 30 years
later that I noticed some glaring themes poking out of one particular
entry.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s
Revenge will be remembered for two things: that chilling opening
scene on the school bus, and being one of the gayest horror movies in
history. Picking up on just how fuckin’ hilarious the shit was all
these years later, I do some research and run across articles such as
How a Nightmare on Elm Street 2 Became an Iconic Gay Horror Film
(after years...
Vampires, Bitch!
I think most horror fans would agree
that vampires are the coolest of so-called movie monsters. They boast
superhuman strength. They travel with the greatest of ease. They’re
rockstars in the sack. And they ooze so much machismo, that they can
glamour a bitch out of her social security number and Facebook login just like that. Plus, the most historically known vampire
is named after me. Just saying.
In the film world, vampire movies are
hit or miss. And considering how many movies suck nowadays, that’s
definitely a good thing. Cause it’s like a 50/50 chance that you’ll
run across something decent. Seriously, there are a lot of quality
vampire flicks out here from so many eras, too. My first love was The Lost
Boys. Probably in my Top 10 All-time Favorite movies. Vampires just
don’t get any cooler than David and the boys.Ohhh … also can’t forget Vamp, which
I saw when I was probably too young to be watching it. Even back
then, I could tell that this movie set out...
I don’t care if you watch pro wrestling
or not … when you hear the word “undertaker”, there’s one man
who comes to mind: Mark Lamont Calaway, better known to wrestling
nerds as The Dead Man. While the man from the darkest parts of kayfabe’s Death Valley
virtually owns the name, I’d contend that another fictional character
not only beat him to the punch, but arguably did the role even
better. I’m talking about Uncle Roscoe, played by Joe Spinell in the
1988 horror movie classic The Undertaker.
Honestly, I’d never heard of this movie
until recently. But I’m glad I did, because it was pretty damn solid
and got me thinking about the potential of a movie based on WWE’s
phenom. Hey, it could totally happen! One day.
...
Strippers. Porn stars. They have a lot
in common. For example, both have high earning potential working in
fields where they’re widely viewed as the scourge of the
entertainment industry. There’s even some crossover as strippers
often venture over to porn while porn stars are increasingly lighting
up the stage in strip club settings. Probably stirring up all kinda
Haterade in the process. Another shared commonality is serving as
prime inspirational fodder for ultra low-budget horror movies. That’s
actually not the worst thing, though. Whether it’s strippers saving the world
from zombies, or porn stars being stalked by vengeful pimps on bath
salt, these flicks are usually, at the very least, redeemable by a barrage of blood, boobs, and butts. Fitting snug in that so bad they’re highly entertaining category.
After weighing my viewing of Strip Club
Massacre and Porn Shoot Massacre against years of personally
collected data, I came to one stunning conclusion: if shit really hit
the fan, and you had to put money on who would nut up the hardest, or
come...
Demon Cop vs. PMS Cop
When it comes to hard to kill homicidal
policemen in the horror genre, two names tend to come to mind: Maniac
Cop and Psycho Cop. Seems like the same idea, but each character
truly puts his own fun and unique twist on the rogue officer
narrative. Two supernatural one times that aren’t so fun are Demon
Cop and PMS Cop. The titular characters sound interesting enough on
paper, but when executed in a film, they don’t jump off the screen
very well … well, at least not in these iterations.Demon Cop is probably the most
promising … on paper. Eddie is an escaped mental patient as well a
former cop who became a probation officer after being wounded in a
drive-by shooting. Nigga is just destined to be an enforcer of the
law. SMH. On the real, he wants to make a difference in the hood, and
even mentors gang bangers in attempt to help them get their lives
together. Yes, this movie is set in an “urban”...